Rough Couple Months

The months since we have been home from Utah have been some of the roughest months since we've been in Arizona, or anywhere in the distant memory for that matter.

Soon after we were home, we found out my dear friend, Amy Tacey, was in the hospital. Amy had been battling cancer for three years and things had taken a turn for the worse. She fought hard and was as stubborn and determined as anyone I've ever met but that evil disease finally took her three weeks ago. She left behind a sweet husband and four adorable kids, three of which are around my boys ages.

I know they say that grieving comes in stages and right now I'm not even sure what those stages are but I know I've been going through some of my own. It's still crazy to me that she is gone. I seem to sway between the guilt and the anger parts of grief right now. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about her leaving. I mean, I only knew her for a year. Do I really have that right to feel this depressed? What about all those amazing people she touched for many, many years? Don't they get to have these feelings more than I do?

And then the anger sets in. I'm not angry with Amy. Far from it. She is my hero. So positive. So determined. So full of life and love and all that is good in this world. I'm angry that even though I knew she was sick even before I met her and that the outcome didn't look great, I still let her take up residence in my heart. She instantly became my friend, my ally, my confidant. I couldn't help it. She was fabulous in a down to earth, sometimes life gives you lemons, when will the dirty diapers ever end, excuse me while I lock myself in my room so I can hear you over my children sort of way. It was like she was the only one who understood me at times here at the Canyon. She also stayed home with her little ones and I never felt like I had to explain that while, yes, I loved doing it and wouldn't change it for the world, I still wanted to pull my hair out most days. She gave me an insight into this new world we had moved into and helped me navigate the acronyms and the expectations. So, if I knew she was really only going to be here for a little while, why did I let her move into one of the biggest rooms in my heart? Why?

The answer is so simple and it does help the grieving. I let her become a part of my life because she made it better. Just because she is now gone, does not mean she has stopped making it better. I look at things differently now. I enjoy the little things a bit more. I hug my kids a bit tighter and kiss my husband with a bit more feeling all because of Amy. She taught me that life is what you make it and you better make it great.

I miss you Amy!