Blessings in the Form of Smoke

 

Gary and I have been working on several house projects. They are still in the planning stages but we are almost ready to start buying supplies and get going. The problem is that inflation is through the roof right now and the money we have saved is still a bit short. His new job is crazy busy but not a lot of fire overtime unless he leaves on a fire assignment (which hasn't been possible this year with all the regular job stuff) or there is a large fire at home. It's been QUIET this season so far. As we've been looking at the finances and trying to decide what to do, we were blessed with some extra money. We could totally use it to finish both of the project we are wanting to do and have extra if we didn't pay our tithing. Well, we decided to pay our tithing and see if the rest would get figured out. I wasn't sure how. Gas is almost $5.00 a gallon and that is cheaper than it has been the last couple of months. Groceries are outrageous. The first day of school is right around the corner which means school supplies and new clothes and pay to play fees for sports. School lunch has been free the last two years but they are charging again this year which is over $100 a month for the two boys. Everything is flat out expensive! 

And then this happened today. Right outside my front door. On a Friday that Gary is here and can stay late and coordinate resources and earn fire overtime. Not everyone would see this smoke as an answer to a prayer but we sure do! It's a faith building, testimony growing answer in the form of heavy smoke. One thing I've learned the last year is that blessings are ALWAYS there if you just open your eyes to look. Even on the darkest, most horrible days, there are always blessings waiting for you to see. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find them.  

Putting the Pieces Back Together

It's been a minute since I've blogged. Like 10 years worth of minutes. Life has been full of ups and downs and hurt and healing and I'm finally in a place that feels like I can sit and write about our family again. There have been some big things that happened during the last 10 years and, although part of me feels like I need to go back and talk about all of them in detail, I think I'm going to just start fresh today. 

The last ten years have been like building a quilt. Life was cut into pieces with sharp blade as Logan became sicker and sicker and eventually passed away from his Bi-Polar. Painful doesn't seem to adequately describe the emotions of that time. What started out as a beautiful sheet of fabric was now tiny pieces of our shattered hearts waiting to be put back together. The fabric was still beautiful and we knew that what was to come would be even more beautiful but the creation would be a long process. I found myself being super busy so I wouldn't have to face the emotions. This was definitely a survival tactic and one that was needed during that time. Maybe my heart was simply too fragile to face what had happened. I went about my day to day, made some major life changes personally - hello Mrs. Bishop elementary teacher - filled time with the boys and Gary and told myself I was fine. Somewhere in the background, I knew I needed to sit still and listen and hurt and heal but I was worried about what it would look like. This summer, that has been my focus. And you know what? I haven't completely fallen apart like I worried I would!

Back to my quilt analogy. There are times when you are sewing along and everything looks great and you are cranking out those pieces and then you realize that you are out of bobbin thread and you aren't really sewing at all. While I was going through the motions and putting on a smile, there were days that my bobbin thread was out and nothing was holding together. 

There are times when you are sewing along and realize you have connected the wrong pieces and you need to sit back and spend some time unpicking to sew it correctly. If you leave it, the quilt will never work out the way you want. It's a tedious process. This summer, I'm spending some time unpicking old habits. I'm unpicking not acknowledging my feelings. I'm unpicking thinking I need to be busy every minute of the day. I'm unpicking putting everyone else first so I don't have to deal with the heartache of losing Lo. I'm unpicking some dang hard habits to break and hoping this unpicking ends soon!

Sometimes, when you get a square sewn together, there are small pieces that need to be trimmed off. They are beautiful scraps of fabric and cutting them takes some courage. Sometimes I question if I really do need to cut them or if I can just leave them because it won't hurt anything. But the reality is, they need to be snipped off in order for the beauty of the quilt to really come through. I'm trying to do this by snipping things that are in my life because they are convenient or something I should keep according to everyone else but aren't really adding to the beauty. It's hard to make that cut. It's painful at times. It's something others often judge and, deep down, I'm a people pleaser that wants everyone to like me. In the end, however, it makes my quilt lay smooth and later connections that really matter easier to piece together. I'm not bogged down with so many things to do that I don't have time to fit in the ones that really matter. It's freeing!

Why the quilt analogy? I've been making a quilt for Gary and me. It's the first time I'm making one specifically for the two of us. As I've spent hours cutting and sewing and ironing, it's given me time to reflect on my life and where I am in the grief cycle. It's given me time to think about why I can sew again now and find enjoyment when I've put it aside for a decade. It's given me time to make plans for the future and find joy in the little things again. It's given me time to realize that sometimes you just simply need time.

In Case of Emergency

Since being called as the Primary President several months ago, Sundays can be anything but relaxing. The first couple months I would come home from church and just hide in my room for a while until I could put the chaos of Primary behind me and face being the mom again. It was crazy. It never seemed to run smoothly and I was always wiped out by the end.
People kept telling me it would get better and I would find a routine of sorts. I have to admit, I didn't believe them. Then, all of the sudden it seemed, it happened. I came home and wasn't totally wiped out. I was still smiling after Primary and it wasn't the "smile so you don't cry" type of smile. The day went really well. The next week went really well too. I thought I must be getting the hang of it. That's when I should have known the Lord would have some more lessons for me to learn.

Yesterday the teachers all went to the combined meeting the last hour so my counselor and I divided the younger kids into two classes and each taught one while the other counselor and secretary took over sharing time. The stake was oh so kind and came to do our music. I wrestled the entire first hour with a little 3 year-old who needs some one on one support most weeks and then went on to teach about a dozen five and six year olds. Wow! Can I just say our teachers are amazing? I have even more respect and awe for them than I did before. It isn't an easy task keeping a dozen kids engaged in a lesson that gets over all too quickly. Thank goodness for memorizing Articles of Faith and crayons. By the time it was over, I was once again wiped out and smiling but not the, "It went so smoothly and it was an amazing day" kind of smile.

We came home and I hid myself in my room with a half a can of Coke and a frozen Twix I had been saving for an emergency. It was definitely an emergency. I sat on my bed savoring the Twix and playing scrabble online when I reached over for the second half of my treasure only to find it already gone. Dang it! I ate the whole thing and didn't even realize it was gone. I am thinking I should start putting a king size Twix in the freezer in case of a emergency. Some days may require a four pack.

Summer in January



 We took advantage of the beautiful spring like weather for Martin Luther King Jr. Day and took off for Devil's Kitchen. Three of the boys and I played here last summer during our Adventure Week but Gary and Logan hadn't been here yet. We loved it!

The boys hiked around the rocks. I say hiked, Gary says climbed. Either way, we were outside enjoying the 50 degree weather and getting a bit of exercise. They found caves and holes and all sorts of things to do. They didn't want to leave for quite a while. In fact, they still weren't too happy about leaving even when we told them we would be going shooting next.  That is the sign of a good family activity. Everyone is happy and no one wants to move on to the next activity. I am truly blessed that we have boys that enjoy being outside and don't have to be "plugged in" every minute!

Tom Turns Twelve!

Thomas turned twelve the end of December. How can my baby boy be so big? I don't think I was really prepared for the milestone twelve is in a young man's life. I was ready for five and getting ready for Kindergarten. I was ready for eight and being baptized. I think I am ready for the magical age of 16 and dating and driving. Even 19 and a mission is something I see on the horizon as being a big deal. For some reason, 12 didn't enter in as one of those big birthdays.

It is a big birthday though. We don't usually celebrate Tom's birthday in December. We do a half birthday in June. He was born so close to Christmas that I wanted his birthday to be about him and not about what energy and financial resources we have left over after Christmas. This year was going to be a bit different.

We had been talking about taking Tom to the temple on his twelfth birthday for quite some time. I didn't think of all that would have to go into making that happen. I thought we would just get an interview set up and get him a recommend and then go to the temple. Easy peasy. Thank goodness I have very patient and loving priesthood holders around me to guide me through the process.

In order to go to the temple, Tom had to have the priesthood. In order to get the priesthood, he needed an interview with the Bishop and then be presented to the ward. After all that was done, he could be ordained on his birthday. Our Bishopric is amazing. They did his interview early and presented him on Christmas Sunday. Then, they came over bright and early on Tom's birthday to be present for his ordination.

Gary ordained him to the office of a Deacon. Wow. What an amazing thing to have my husband confer that awesome power on my son. He gave him a great blessing and the spirit was so strong. Afterward, Gary said he knew his Dad was there with us. I don't doubt it. His first grandson was entering a new and important phase of his life.

Shortly after we headed to the Mount Timpanogos Temple to do baptisms. There were a ton of kids waiting. The line was so long that, even though we had our own names, we could only do five a piece. We waited almost an hour at the font before it was our turn and I got to see Gary lead Tom into the font and be baptized for those who have gone on before. AMAZING!

Tom loved every minute of it. He has asked several times since when we can go back. He wants to do baptisms in all the temples he can he said. We are going up again in a couple of weeks and taking Tom's cousin, Connor, with us.

I hope the experience will be one that helps to strengthen Tom in the trying times ahead. The teenage years are never easy and it seems as if they are getting even more difficult. He is such an amazing young man that has so much compassion, a great sense of humor, and a work ethic that I don't see very often these days. I am so proud to call him my son!

Adventure Week Day Three

Any idea what we did for Adventure Week day three?

There is a petting zoo at a gas station in Scipio. We've been to the gas station several times because there is also a Dairy Queen there that has an amazing BLT. It's not every day you can get your car gassed up, eat a quick snack and play with an eclectic mix of animals.

I was a bit worried that this would be the most boring day ever for Tommy Boy but he really enjoyed it I think. I told him on the way that this adventure may be geared more toward Ethan and Dylan since he was heading out with the scouts tonight on an overnighter. At first I thought he was just being a good sport but he really didn't want to leave when it was time. The kid never ceases to amaze me.

Dylan on the other hand was not as thrilled as I had anticipated. I had a hard time getting a picture of him even close to any animals much less touching them. It may have been that they were about the same size and could look him in the eye. After about 20 minutes, he turned to me and said, "Mom, this place is freaking me out." He was ready to go and after announcing it in such a cute four-year-old way, I couldn't refuse.

Ethan loved, loved, loved it. If only he was a bit taller so he could reach over the fences to pet the ostriches and horses though. He followed Tom around and pet all the animals and had a huge beaming smile the whole time.

The donkey was loving Tom. He loved him so much in fact that he wanted to take a bite right out of him. Didn't phase Tom one bit. I think he's going to love growing up in the country setting. I'm just hoping the neighbor's donkeys, mules, and horses are enough for him. I just don't see any of them in our future backyard plans.

He named the goat on his lap Buddy. It would follow him around and if he sat down, it would climb right on. I didn't know goats could be lap dogs!

I was always taught that you don't put your hand in a dark tunnel in some rocks but here they are, all elbow deep. The rocks, and netting shade canopy, were home to lots of bunnies. If anyone found one in a hole, they all had to run over and try to pet them. Poor bunnies. Even Dylan got in on the act for a while.

I think I've learned my lesson about guessing who will enjoy what activity. Here I thought Dyl would love it and he was scared to even get close to most of the animals. I thought Tom would be a bit bored and he enjoyed every minute. Ethan was the only one that responded like I thought.

This has turned into a fun tradition for us and I'm excited for the next few days of adventures before school starts. I'm really excited for Logan to come home on Sunday and start joining us for some of them too! I miss that little man!

Adventure Week Day Two

After yesterday's excursion, I thought I'd better plan a bit better for today's adventure. I knew where we were going to go. I knew how to get there. I bought lunch supplies yesterday. I even remembered the camp chair for me to sit in and do some work while the boys were playing.
We headed out right before lunch with a cooler, blanket, and my trusty camp chair and headed south. When we got to the park in Kanosh, we pulled over and the boys asked, "We are going to the park?" They didn't sound terribly excited which had me a bit worried. It's a risk you take when you plan a week of surprise adventures. We piled out of the car anyway.

A new playground is always an adventure. This one had the old school metal slide that was tall enough that Dylan climbed up it and then back down the ladder because it was too tall for him.

It had the new big toy with slides and ladders and bridges to climb on and explore and chase each other through.

There were three horses that the boys were riding the range on. Here they are trying not to get bucked off during their eight second ride.

It had the swing set and the spider web to round out the toy selection. There were huge trees sharing their shade with our picnic blanket, my chair, and most of the toys. It was awesome.

That is until it wasn't. At first I was just a bit annoyed by the flies. I even moved us to another spot hoping that the fly problem was just a localized issue.  Nope. They were down right awful!

 The boys played and fought and played and fought and played and fought. Finally, between the flies and the fighting, I had had enough and called it a day. It was still a pretty good adventure day. We went somewhere we had never been before and did something we don't do every day. They had a great time playing on all the toys when they weren't fighting and I had a great time outside with my kids. They even took some photos of each other up in one of the trees.

Tomorrow's adventure is still a mystery. I can't seem to decide on the perfect place or activity. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.